If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
