dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
