I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
