youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
