I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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