Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
