my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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