She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
