Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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