This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
