Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
