you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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