Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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