just come out here and I will go home with you...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
