he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
