Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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