hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
