new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
