theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
