Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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