love makes seman taste better
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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