What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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