Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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