I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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