I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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