Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
