my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
In other news, I just burned my penis
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
