So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
