I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
