Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize