thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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