i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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