did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
