I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
