you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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