Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
This girl is more easily done than said...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
