somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
