you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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