You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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