This is not my ceiling
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
