I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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