Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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