my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
