if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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