FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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