When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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