I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize