I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
