sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
