Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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