Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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