I've blown a few things in my day
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
