I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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