This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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