This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
