life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Pants are for mortals
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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