just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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