I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
