Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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