I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
